I want to be heard, because my insides are screaming. Anything that dulls the senses makes me even more willing to shred apart my guts. But at the same time I don’t want anyone to know that I’m even here. I want to stay as invisible as I feel. I’m good at hiding.
If it weren’t for Facebook, I could still pretend I don’t hate myself.
My Mother keeps calling me to come up from the basement.
I want to stay, but she says it’s dark and dismal and those are the stairs she fell down and she really doesn’t like me down there, so I comply.
I agree to come cry in the living room instead, where the sun burns my eyes and I can’t breathe.
I wish she had let me stay in the dark.
The corner of two walls I was balled up in held up my back and I could actually feel my lungs push against my ribs.
I was alive.
Upstairs in the light I am like a zombie. I stare into the backyard promising not to hurt myself while wondering if I can find rope for a noose and if the back porch would be long enough to get the job done.
I know that I can’t, but the fantasy helps me cope.
It’s a small glimmer of hope that soon the pain will be less.
You got married today.
I wish you the best of luck between torturing myself of why I’ll never be loved.
I go back to the words you said and realize they are lies.
I wish you all the happiness in the world between choking sobs.
I wish I never met you at all.
"We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing."
Mad Girl's Love Song
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me…
The Thing Is
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
"A serious girl, when she finds someone who calms her spirit and quiets her busy thoughts, will love you so fiercely, it will defy even her own logic and reasoning."
"Community’s fans are the most vocal, best looking, strongest, fastest, smartest, and sexually virile out of any fans in the history of television. Use your powers to keep the word out there and I feel we will get to a 6th season. I sure as hell want one."