Strangers and Sunburst flowers (How to say Thank You)
I’ve had death on my To Do List ever since I could write
But I’ve never found the proper way to die
Ideas have floated around me like a merry-go-round screaming in the summer full of passengers
Fleeting and faint; they all talk over each other
I decide it’s motivation I lack
I care so little for breath I can barely bother to end it all
So I’m arguing with my Mother and she tells me to kill her first
Because she would kill herself anyway if I did
And the tears are rolling like fat waves down my face
I look at my empty phone for distraction
I find six seconds of a stranger’s heart speaking
His sorrow makes me sob
I’m so selfish
I try to say something to help, but instead I end up thanking HIM for providing me solace
Everyone has a story and somehow I dump some of mine on him without really explaining myself at all.
But he says there is NO REASON so my details don’t matter anyway
His brown eyes burn through my screen as he tells me that “Life is a gift”
I don’t believe him, but his kindness breaks me in half
I promise whatever bit of soul I have left that I will try
Because I can’t kill my Mom and a sweet stranger said I shouldn’t kill myself
What other choice do I have? I took minutes from someone unknown to keep me here; it’s the least I can do.
I smile because life is weird and hard and beautiful
There is a knock at my door
My Mother invites me to smell the bright yellow daffodils in her hand
I drink them up, intoxicated
And I think- “This is a start.”
I want to be heard, because my insides are screaming. Anything that dulls the senses makes me even more willing to shred apart my guts. But at the same time I don’t want anyone to know that I’m even here. I want to stay as invisible as I feel. I’m good at hiding.
If it weren’t for Facebook, I could still pretend I don’t hate myself.
My Mother keeps calling me to come up from the basement.
I want to stay, but she says it’s dark and dismal and those are the stairs she fell down and she really doesn’t like me down there, so I comply.
I agree to come cry in the living room instead, where the sun burns my eyes and I can’t breathe.
I wish she had let me stay in the dark.
The corner of two walls I was balled up in held up my back and I could actually feel my lungs push against my ribs.
I was alive.
Upstairs in the light I am like a zombie. I stare into the backyard promising not to hurt myself while wondering if I can find rope for a noose and if the back porch would be long enough to get the job done.
I know that I can’t, but the fantasy helps me cope.
It’s a small glimmer of hope that soon the pain will be less.
You got married today.
I wish you the best of luck between torturing myself of why I’ll never be loved.
I go back to the words you said and realize they are lies.
I wish you all the happiness in the world between choking sobs.
I wish I never met you at all.
"We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing."
Mad Girl's Love Song
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me…
The Thing Is
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
"A serious girl, when she finds someone who calms her spirit and quiets her busy thoughts, will love you so fiercely, it will defy even her own logic and reasoning."
"Community’s fans are the most vocal, best looking, strongest, fastest, smartest, and sexually virile out of any fans in the history of television. Use your powers to keep the word out there and I feel we will get to a 6th season. I sure as hell want one."