All My Words Were Bound To Fail.....

Wedding on June 16th- left or right? Or negative to both? And if you say right, tell me what effing color shoes to wear! Sorry for the awkward pose and mess in the background. #itiswhatitis (Taken with instagram)

*I want to preempt this post by saying that for the past nearly 2 years, my psychiatrist has had me on a very large dosage of a medication usually used for schizophrenics. I may be silly and weird, but I am not schizo. The dosage started out normally, and kept increasing until it came to a breaking point where I realized it had completely changed me as a person. This is not an excuse for anything I might have done, just something to consider.*

So, yes. I am a fraud. I have been lying to all of you. When you have been asking me if I am okay, and I have been answering “Yes” for all of this time, I have been lying. I have not been okay. I have been battling some really horrible thoughts in my head, ones I don’t want to even mention. I have been going from near manic states to complete ennui without the slightest notion of why. I have been someone else. Sometimes nearly catatonic, sometimes so happy I could fly.

Over the past few months, I have been noticing these extreme changes and started thinking, “something isn’t right here.” But I didn’t think it was the meds at first. I thought it was my early mid-life crisis, my everlasting quest for something higher and better than what I am, my failures coming back to greet me tenfold.

When everything came to a head, (I’d rather keep the exact moment to myself), it was then I came to the realization that I was under the clutches of a very potent drug, one that is prescribed to people with much, much more serious mental conditions than I have, and under the dosage of someone who would be committed. Luckily, the drug moves in and out of your system quickly, so within a day, I was back to myself.

Then came all other sorts of realizations, and ideas for change, and frustration at everything that had happened.

In this time, I had some disagreements with several friends. They were seemingly out of nowhere on my end, and confusing to those around me. All of the anger I felt for being this person, (who already has enough to deal with), now finally coming out from this cloud got thrown in several directions. Some of it was just plain ridiculous, some of it was miscommunication, but all of it was MY FAULT. The people that I chose to take out my deep-seated fears and aggression on did not deserve the raw and callous words I dealt them. I hope those people will know who they are when they read this, and forgive me for my transgressions. If they don’t, I completely understand. But I wanted to make this a very public act, because I am making myself be held accountable.

In just the past week, I have learned quite a bit about myself. I have also been off the meds I never should have been prescribed in the first place for about a month. I am in therapy and my psychiatrist is well aware of the stopping of medication.

I am telling all of you this because I think it’s important that we own up to our part in difficulties or arguments. They are never one-sided. YOU are always a factor in the actions that take place, the words that are said, and inevitably, the outcome. Regardless of where blame should lie, all parties must take responsibility for their actions.

Right now, I am taking mine.

Let’s get down to the point.

Here’s what I have learned:

1) Making yourself a martyr for any cause which is not 100% your own is completely stupid.

2) Thinking you have the right to tell people how they should live because you “expect better from them” is insulting, not your place to say and just plain wrong.

3) You can call yourself a Saint in your own head for all of the “wonderful” things you think you are doing, but if no one asked you to do them and you resent the people you are doing it for, it’s nobody’s fault but your own.

4) People are who they are. Some change. Some don’t. You have not lived their lives wearing their glasses and you therefore have no right to judge them for anything they do or say.

5) Wanting something and expecting something are two VERY different things. You should never expect anything you don’t ask for. And you should certainly remember that just because you ask for something, it doesn’t mean you will receive it, or even deserve to.

6) The sooner you realize that everyone really is so very different in their mindset, the easier it will be for you to understand why everyone is the way they are. Reactions, actions, words- they are all relative. Lose your innocence and accept that everyone is at their own level. You are no better or worse than anyone else. You have no right to judge someone’s journey. It’s not for you to speculate on. GO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. Leave everyone else to make their own mess. Or make something beautiful. How do you know where the path will lead them in the end?

7) Lastly, and I think, most importantly- Practice what you preach. Not even an hour ago did it dawn on me what a hypocrite I have been. In the past, recently, maybe forever.

I claim to be someone who is open, caring and non-judgmental. I can be those things when I want to, but displaying the above mentioned characteristics 1-6 is the exact opposite of that. Which is exactly what I have been doing for I don’t even know how long.

How can I say that I don’t judge when I perpetuate my notions of how I think a person should act onto them and tell them that what they are supplying to the world isn’t enough? Who made me the voice for all that is honorable and real? NOBODY.

I am not God. I am not a Saint. I am not even a Governor. I am just Sarah. Who died and made me King of anything? (Credit to Sara Bareilles)- See lyrics below! (I have marked in bold the points I think really sum up everything I am trying to say.) I am the person who keeps giving all the advice to people who don’t want or need it, and hurting because it’s never “my chance”. That’s because I never allow it to be.

I would like to end with this: for anything I have said or done in the past to make you feel less than, unworthy or downright bad, I sincerely apologize. I am just Sarah. Hopefully those of you who this is aimed particularly at will take my apology and forgive me. It’s all a learning experience. And boy, have I LEARNED.

I’m not saying that I won’t ever make a mistake again, or jump into a situation that I have no business being in (old habits die hard), but what I am saying is that I ACKNOWLEDGE what I have done.

A good chunk of my personal suffering over the years has been directly related to what I have put onto myself. Expecting people to be what I think they should, taking on responsibilities and battles that weren’t my own because I “felt” bad, and not letting people be who they are.

I have not loved the way I should. I am certain of this, because Love has no conditions, boundaries, rules or expectations. It is just LOVE.

As I continue on my quest to better myself and fully acknowledge my part in so many bad things that have happened, I ask you all to appreciate that I am making a sincere effort.

Maybe you can use this as an opportunity to find out some things about yourself you would rather not admit.

Either way, it’s fine by me. I am just doing the best I can, just like the rest of you.

And I am going to keep practicing real Love until I get it right.

Forgive me my trespasses if you can and try to keep in mind that I never meant any harm.

Good intentions are, well, good- but that doesn’t mean they are right. I see that now.

LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE,

Sarie/Disco/Sarah

http://vimeo.com/12982892

King of Anything:

Keep drinkin’ coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost
With no direction oh
But you won’t ever see

You’re so busy makin’ maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin’ down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I’ve tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin’ for someone to tell me it’s my turn
To decide

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown, babe

(Source: leilockheart, via thisonesofyou)

ohheybill:

I have found the worst 28 seconds in the history of music.

(via cracked)

‘The Wish”- by: Louise Gluck

buzzfeed:

sdzoo:

Red-bellied short-necked turtle on Flickr.

Disco turtle has moves!

If you’re like me this is your first time seeing the rare red-bellied short-necked turtle and you’re pleased about it.

laughingsquid:

Camping Tents That Look Like Real Food

I feel like Maggie needs one of these.